My Story: To Love and be Loved

The church is lined with fresh flowers, friends and family fill the room, I stand waiting with excitement in a gorgeous dress feeling more beautiful than I ever have. The double doors of the chapel are opened to reveal the man of my dreams waiting for me at the end of the aisle. 

This is the scene that has played over and over in my head sometimes on a daily basis. My heart swells with a hint of excitement only to be followed by a greater ache of loneliness as I am reminded that this dream is merely that... a dream. 

This struggle is not a new one, but one that has been around for a while. For many years now I have found myself on a constant search for someone to share my life with. There is this deep desire and craving in my heart for someone to love and be loved by. It started at the beginning of high school as friends were being told that there was someone that had a crush on them, I waited with a hope that there would be a boy that would like me. In university many friends were in serious dating relationships and again I was wondering when there would be a guy for me. As my time in university came to a close I began receiving wedding invitation after wedding invitation of friends that were getting married and still I hope that my time is next. 

It hasn't been easy to accept my single status and I've made a lot of mistakes in trying to change it. I eventually decided to take things into my own hands because the waiting game was getting old. I allowed myself to get involved in numerous unhealthy relationships that often went farther than they should have. I compromised physical and emotional boundaries in attempts to make these relationships what I wanted (or thought that I wanted) them to be. After many failed attempts, a myriad of guilt and a very broken heart many questions remained: "What am I doing wrong?" "How can I change myself so that I am more attractive?" "Why do I keep getting rejected?" I felt that somehow I was not complete or normal because I was single.

It was through my own failure and all of these questions that God showed me that the kind of love that I was looking for was not going to be found in these broken relationships, actually it wouldn’t be found in a human relationship at all. The unconditional, deep love that I wanted so badly would only be found in a relationship with Jesus. I had failed, I had made mistakes yet Jesus was willing to forgive it all so that I could have a personal relationship with God. God loves me far beyond my appearance, personality or my past. Realizing and learning that has completely changed my life.

Jesus gave up love and instead was completely rejected so that through Him I might have true love and intimacy in God. My desire for a man's love has been redirected to a desire for God's love. He has transformed this deep craving for love and intimacy and shown me that His love is the only love that will fully complete me and satisfy me, no man will ever be able to do that.

My story doesn't have a typical fairy tale 'happily ever after' ending. I'm not married, and I'm not even in a relationship, but what God has done in my life is so much more important. There are many days when I am completely content being single, but there are other days when I am not, in fact even as I type this I am dreading the fact that Valentine's Day is a few days away. What I can tell you though is that I would not trade anything for the relationship I have with God. I don’t have to try and be someone that I’m not just to get a date – God will provide for what I need and His love is more than enough.

This is just a small portion of my story and a glimpse into how God has played a crucial role in the person I am today. If you have any questions or would like to share your story I would love to talk.  

Abundantly loved by God,

Alana