Vulnerability

That word scares me, a lot. The thought of opening up and trusting people brings this pit to my stomach. I have trust issues, I know that and I recognize that this effects my relationships with friends and even more so my relationship with God so the fact that God has been challenging me to be more vulnerable with those around me scares the heck out of me.

I've always been a private person with a rather larger filter to what I share with others and I need to know someone pretty well before I allow myself to be vulnerable. It's not necessarily a good thing, I know. It makes it awfully hard for people to get to know me beyond the surface. I've been challenged though, by God and His Word to change this. Our society is so taboo about certain things and sharing something that will make you look weak or like a failure is not something that you tell people. But the book of James states, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much (5:16). I've been praying that my church would grow close that we would demonstrate this well and well I've realized that if I'm praying that then I have to be willing to be a part of it. It excites me to think about how much God could use us if were were willing to do this.

Lord God, our Hope, our Comforter and our Redeemer it terrifies me to pray this, but I know that You are challenging me to open up. I pray that you would give me opportunities to be vulnerable with the people that you have placed in my life and provide the strength and trust that I need to do that. May I be willing to do whatever it is that will bring You the glory. I love you Lord.

The Holy Spirit at Work

I don't remember ever being so aware of the Holy Spirit at work than I was last Sunday at church. It's hard to even describe what happened because I was in a deep state of awe and worship. God broke down walls and the result was incredible. Those people who are usually out the door as soon as we say amen stayed behind to fellowship. Standing at the front and looking out at the faces of the congregation, it was like a whole different group of people, their passion for God was evident on their faces. We were truly worshipping our Saviour without fear of being judged. God is bringing the church together in ways that we don't even know and I continue to pray that He will unite us as one body.

It's as if God gave us a glimpse of His hands at work - His sovereignty, provision and love.

The Holy Spirit is moving, I witnessed it.

Now I'm left here in complete awe. God is amazing.

Speechless

This morning has left me utterly speechless. I'm sitting here in absolute awe of my Saviour. I will blog more about this later once I've had time to process, but for now here's a favourite of mine which is oh so appropriate for such a time as this.

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012

Much like Christmas, this year I didn't spend New Year's Eve where I usually do. That was hard. At first I really wished things hadn't changed and that I was there like I thought I would be, but God is sovereign (why do I always forget this?!) which He reminded me of as I said goodbye to '11 and Hello to '12.

For me, 2011 was a hard year. One of the hardest in my almost 24 years of life. It was full of struggles, hardships, death, change, hurt, confusion, and lots of goodbyes. There were many tears and times of intense spiritual and emotional darkness. Thinking back over the year my heart aches in a lot of ways.

Yet through the struggles the year was also filled with growth, intimate time with Jesus, a deeper trust in my Saviour, grace, mercy, and unbounded love. I am grateful, yes grateful, for 2011. For each struggle, each tear, and each change that took place I am grateful because it caused me to cling to my Saviour like never before. I experienced firsthand the grip of the hand of God that holds tightly even in the fiercest of storms. God used each and every one of these hardships to allow me to grow my trust in Him, recognize His goodness even in the difficult, marvel in His grace and fall deeper in my love for Him. At the end of Romans 8, Paul states that there is nothing that can separate us from the love of God - absolutely nothing - and my how I saw this to be true. Career changes, intense spiritual attack, loss of loves ones, anxiety, depression - none of it can come in the way of God's love for me and my relationship with Him.

I was reading an old journal entry today that I wrote a year ago at the beginning of 2011 and I prayed that it would be a year of joy. God answered that prayer, not in the way that I expected Him to, but He answered it. The book of James describes it like this: "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (1:2-4). I always found this passage so difficult because I didn't understand how it was possible to have joy even when everything in life was falling apart. Well a lot of things in my life did fall apart this year. Circumstances occurred that I never would have expected, but by the grace of God He gave me joy even in the absolute darkest of times. It's possible, by the incredible grace of God it's possible.

God is good in the hardest times

God is there in the darkest moments

When the wind is roaring and the waves are tossing His hand will hold you.

He comforts, directs, and gives strength when one more day doesn't seem possible

And in the times when it simply hurts to breathe His amazing grace provides the next breath, and the next breath and the next breath.

I read a quote a few months ago that phrased it so well.

"Sometimes God calms the storm... Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child."

I am not a theologian and I don't know the Bible near as well as I should, but I do know that I serve an incredibly faithful God who doesn't go back on His Word, so when He says He will never leave us (Joshua 1:9) He won't. Amidst the trials I know I often doubt this, but God reminds me of this truth over and over. The Word of God alludes to it over and over, but until I experienced it in a very real way I didn't quite understand. In my head I knew it, but now my heart truly knows as well. Sometimes He will work out our problems the way we ask Him to, other times He may take us in a completely different direction than we expect, but through it He will bring good. It may take days or it may take years, but He will."And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). He does and He will.

As I say goodbye to 2011 I am reminded of the words of Job. In the middle of the tremendous trials that he faced he said, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21b) Blessed be the name of the Lord indeed.

Lord Jesus, You are SO good. In the joy, in the struggles, in the smiles, in the tears Your goodness and your love remain. Thank you Lord for 2011 and for all that you did, all that You taught and the many ways you worked - may You receive the glory that You are due. I look forward with anticipation and great joy for what You will bring in 2012. I am ever grateful for the relationship I have with You and for Your incredible grace that made it possible. Jesus I love you SO much.