My Story: To Love and be Loved

The church is lined with fresh flowers, friends and family fill the room, I stand waiting with excitement in a gorgeous dress feeling more beautiful than I ever have. The double doors of the chapel are opened to reveal the man of my dreams waiting for me at the end of the aisle. 

This is the scene that has played over and over in my head sometimes on a daily basis. My heart swells with a hint of excitement only to be followed by a greater ache of loneliness as I am reminded that this dream is merely that... a dream. 

This struggle is not a new one, but one that has been around for a while. For many years now I have found myself on a constant search for someone to share my life with. There is this deep desire and craving in my heart for someone to love and be loved by. It started at the beginning of high school as friends were being told that there was someone that had a crush on them, I waited with a hope that there would be a boy that would like me. In university many friends were in serious dating relationships and again I was wondering when there would be a guy for me. As my time in university came to a close I began receiving wedding invitation after wedding invitation of friends that were getting married and still I hope that my time is next. 

It hasn't been easy to accept my single status and I've made a lot of mistakes in trying to change it. I eventually decided to take things into my own hands because the waiting game was getting old. I allowed myself to get involved in numerous unhealthy relationships that often went farther than they should have. I compromised physical and emotional boundaries in attempts to make these relationships what I wanted (or thought that I wanted) them to be. After many failed attempts, a myriad of guilt and a very broken heart many questions remained: "What am I doing wrong?" "How can I change myself so that I am more attractive?" "Why do I keep getting rejected?" I felt that somehow I was not complete or normal because I was single.

It was through my own failure and all of these questions that God showed me that the kind of love that I was looking for was not going to be found in these broken relationships, actually it wouldn’t be found in a human relationship at all. The unconditional, deep love that I wanted so badly would only be found in a relationship with Jesus. I had failed, I had made mistakes yet Jesus was willing to forgive it all so that I could have a personal relationship with God. God loves me far beyond my appearance, personality or my past. Realizing and learning that has completely changed my life.

Jesus gave up love and instead was completely rejected so that through Him I might have true love and intimacy in God. My desire for a man's love has been redirected to a desire for God's love. He has transformed this deep craving for love and intimacy and shown me that His love is the only love that will fully complete me and satisfy me, no man will ever be able to do that.

My story doesn't have a typical fairy tale 'happily ever after' ending. I'm not married, and I'm not even in a relationship, but what God has done in my life is so much more important. There are many days when I am completely content being single, but there are other days when I am not, in fact even as I type this I am dreading the fact that Valentine's Day is a few days away. What I can tell you though is that I would not trade anything for the relationship I have with God. I don’t have to try and be someone that I’m not just to get a date – God will provide for what I need and His love is more than enough.

This is just a small portion of my story and a glimpse into how God has played a crucial role in the person I am today. If you have any questions or would like to share your story I would love to talk.  

Abundantly loved by God,

Alana

I'm Going to Bolivia!

As you may or may not know, I am headed on a mission trip in just less than a month! From March 4 - 21, I will be going to Bolivia with a team from Pioneers to distribute a unique radio to the Quechua Indians so they can hear the Gospel.

Our two-week trip will see us working in the high elevations of Bolivia, where the need for the Gospel is great, and the oxygen is scarce. We’ll be travelling in by jeep and then walking into Quechua villages to distribute specially made solar radios which are pre-tuned to a single station to broadcast the Word of God.  Each of us will carry 100 Canadian made radios with us to Bolivia, which will allow thousands of the Quechua people to hear the word of God for the first time. God is moving in the hearts of these people who are desperate to hear the Word.

I will be completely honest, I am quite fearful heading into this trip. I am really scared and Satan is taking full advantage of that. The spiritual attack has been in abundance lately. I'm stressed about missing school and trying to get assignments done before I leave, I'm scared about team dynamics, and a new culture...  this list goes on. I have turned to Psalm 27, I like that it is titled "A Psalm of Fearless Trust in God." That's what I am praying for right now, fearless trust. I need to trust God for our safety, with my schoolwork, in our team... I need to give it ALL over to Him. As I shared my fears with a co-worker a few days go she said, "You are going to do God's work so I'm sure God will help you with your work." I needed to hear that. I am excited to go, my heart so badly wants the Quechua to be able to hear the Good News of the Gospel, sometimes the fear just overshadows that. This journey to Bolivia is going to be a challenging one (it already has been), but I also know it is going to be a growing one (again, it already has been). God is at work.

The Lord is my light and my salvation;

Whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the defense of my life;

Whom shall I dread?

- Psalm 27:1

Listening to His Voice

A few days ago I read a line from a song that a friend had tweeted. The lyrics were so powerful that I looked up the entire song and it was honestly a transforming moment. It doesn't happen very often, but these lyrics have messed me up... in a good way. Messed up my former ways of thinking and replaced them with these bold words. These words are real. honest. and so.very.true. They are convicting and humbling and God has used this beautiful outpouring to inspire a transformation in my heart. The song is Clear the Stage by Jimmy Needham, I just want to play it on repeat. This songs expresses the desire of my heart, yet that desire rarely becomes action. Today I was deeply saddened as I thought about all the time that I have wasted with my face in technology: Youtube videos, Facebook, iPhone apps, the list continues... Hours a day literally wasted on things that have little to no value. A little is okay, I mean I make a lot of plans with friends and my youth girls through these means and I'm not here to pretend like I'm never going to use my phone again, but for the most part I just waste loads of time. The sad part though, when I compare all that wasted time to how much time I spend with Jesus, in particular sitting and listening to Him. I proclaim I love God with all my heart, I sing about wanting to honour Him with my life and I say that He is my all - yet I can't remember the last time I just sat and listened. 

Lent begins on Wednesday. It has only been in the last few years that I have observed Lent. It bothers me that people "give things up" just for the heck of it. If I am 'participating' in Lent, I want it to be intentional and purposeful in growing in my relationship with God. I actually wasn't going to observe lent this year, well until I came across this song then I knew right away what I needed to do. During the Lenten season this year I am not just 'giving up,' but also making room for something else... time with Jesus, specifically time to listen to Jesus. For 40 days and hopefully longer I won't watch any Youtube videos and the time that I usually spend on Youtube (averaging an hour a day) I want to be intentional with spending time with Jesus. Every night I watch Youtube videos right before bed, I want that time to be spent with Jesus instead. One of my biggest fears is that I will look back and regret wasting so much time on useless and purposeless things. If I say I love Jesus as much as I do, then I want that to be evident, I want that to be lived out, I want it to be actions and not just words. May my worship be more than just a song.

That is my heart. It excites me to take this step, I mean let's be honest nothing bad is going to come from spending more time with Jesus. I'm looking forward to growing and hearing from my Saviour. 

Read these lyrics, but I warn you, God may use them to convict you and change your heart.

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols

Jerk the pews & all the decorations, too 

Until the congregations few, then have revival


Tell your friends that this is where the party ends 

Until you're broken for your sins, you can't be social

Then seek the Lord & wait for what He has in store 

And know that great is your reward so just be hopeful



'Cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; 
Oh, worship is more than a song



Take a break from all the plans that you have made 

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper

Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak 

And pray for real upon your knees until they blister


Shine the light on every corner of your life 

Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open

Then read the Word and put to test the things you've heard 

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken


'Cause you can sing all you want to

Yes, you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to

And still get it wrong; 
Oh, worship is more than a song


We must not worship something that's not even worth it

Clear the stage, make some space for the One who deserves it


Anything I put before my God is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol
And anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol
And anything that I give all my love is an idol


'Cause I can sing all I want to

Yes, I can sing all I want to

And we can sing all we want to
We can sing all we want to
We can sing all we want to

And still get it wrong

Worship is more than a song

Clear the stage and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols

Winter Wonderland

A Desire to Read the Word

Something I have struggled with for a while always struggled with is getting into God's Word on a daily basis. I would have good intentions to start a reading plan or a devotion book and then after a few days, a week or a month I would get lazy and fall out of the consistency. Something that is hard for me admit is that I have never read the Bible all the way through. Can you say worst seminary student ever?!

Since I've started seminary though, God has grown my love and desire for the Word and I have a desire like never before to get in to the Word and truly get to know it and more importantly get to know God more.

All this to say today I started a full year reading plan to read the Bible all the way through. Instead of just started from Genesis and reading through to Revelation, I've decided to read in chronological order for a number of reasons. First because I think it will allow me to better understand God's story as a whole in the order in which it occurred. Also because I will at times be reading through multiple books at once providing variety and better understanding of the more difficult OT books. This scares me mainly because I am afraid that I will fail [again], but I am entrusting this into God's hands and praying that He gives me the diligence to follow through. So far, Day 1 is complete.

Don't Miss Now

I have been truly savoring my commute to school every week. It's my quiet time to talk to and listen to God and worship Him through music. Today as I was driving home I was listening to a message about growing in God. The speaker shared about different seasons of life and how as a single he had much more time to devote to growing in his relationship with God - now as a husband and father of 3, his time and energy are spread thin. God spoke directly to my heart because lately I have really been wishing away days, areas and seasons of my life. I can't wait to get out of my job in retail and I frequently apartment hunt in hopes of moving out of my parents house and then there is the usual - wishing I wasn't single. Today God showed me that I wasn't living today, but rather am constantly wishing it were tomorrow.

During a meeting a few years ago with a former boss he shared with me that he had so many things on the go at that time. He was organizing multiple events and was travelling to various cities in that week. He just kept telling himself that if he could just get through the next few days then things would be better, calmer, easier to handle. It was then that God reminded him not to miss what He was doing now. Not to brush off what He was teaching him during that busyness. I haven't forgot this story. I haven't forgot it because God used it to convict me of the very same thing. Quite often I find myself wishing away the days, waiting for that day off or next season in life - in doing that, I pass right by the things that God is trying to teach me today.

I don't want to look back and see time wasted, time that could have been used to learn, grow or teach. Opportunities that could have been used to share my faith and make disciples. Soon I won't be at my retail job anymore, eventually I won't be living in my parents house and one day I won't be single, but until then I desire to make the most of these situations. I know that God has me exactly where I am today for a reason, for a purpose and I pray that I will bring glory to His name by living that out. I want to live out today, instead of wishing it were tomorrow.

"Do not boast about tomorrow, For you do not know what a day may bring forth." - Proverbs 27:1